Snakes and Sparklers: Bernie's F1

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko)
07/02/2014 at 19:10 • Filed to: f1, rant

Bernie Ecclestone failed as a driver in F1, so he became a manager, he got money and became a team owner. Then, with his money, he bought the media rights to F1 and through numerous contracts and agreements, he became Formula One's de facto ruler. For a while, he was a champion for safety, but now he only represents greed.

This year a whole new host of rules and regulations took over the formula. Cars are now powered by turbocharged V6's and FIA mandated fuel flow regulators. Nose heights are lower, wings are smaller and energy recovery systems are different. One team has been dominating this season, and it's not Ferrari. Ferrari has responded the way that they always have, by threating to leave F1 and then saying, "just a-kidding, but we-a still a-might! Trolololo!"

Bernie has responded by threatening to end the Italian Grand Prix at Ferrari's home track of Monza after 2016. He claims that the low ratings this season in Italy and around the world are Ferrari's fault, Ferrari has the largest fan base in F1. He also blames the poor ratings on the kid's these days for being distracted by the twitter, facetubes and the rest of the webernet. Mr. Ecclestone is also not a fan of the new cars and their lack of noise. But, don't worry, Ole' Bernie's got a plan to save the day!

His plan consists of making the cars louder, adding titanium skid plates to the bottoms of the cars, and standing restarts after safety car laps. Making the cars louder would be nice, but instead of getting rid of the crappy fuel flow limit, the cars will have dual exhaust. Bernie longs for the old days when the cars would spark when hitting crests in the roads, so he's going the SoCal route of adding titanium skid plates for useless sparks. Finally in an effort to attract the morbid crowd, the standing starts will do nothing but cause more crashes, so much for Bernie's safety crusade!

Why is Bernie so coo coo for coco puffs ratings? Because he gets the money! Like seriously, a whole metric fuck-ton of money.

However, he still doesn't want to get F1 into the social media that is distracting them damn youths. F1 doesn't have an app with cool in car footage during the racing. The broadcasts in America are terrible. These could all generate more interests in F1 and higher ratings. However, Bernie only likes the snakes and sparklers that he's selling. He needs to learn that it's not what he wants, it's what we, the consumers want.

DISCUSSION (15)

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/02/2014 at 19:12

Bernie can kindly go fornicate a camel.

Asshole Muppet Troll.

RallyWrench > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable)
07/02/2014 at 19:33

He is indeed an onerous little Muppet troll, but a little patience will see us through. I seriously doubt he'll be around for more than maybe 5 years, and he won't kill F1 in that time.

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/02/2014 at 20:09

Want to write for Formula Freak?

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Tim (Fractal Footwork)
07/02/2014 at 20:13

I only rarely write things, but if you're looking for an occasional opinionated piece, sure.

Simplify, then add beer > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/02/2014 at 21:58

There are two arguments here, one of which Bernie is right about, the other in which he is wrong.

A significant proportion of the regulation changes over the last 5 years have all been around trying to make F1 more entertaining. KERS, DRS, ERS, Fast degradation of tyres, smaller wings - all of these came in to increase passes & make the race less about qualifying on Saturday. Hell, even double points was about making the back end of the year entertaining.

Bernie is right here, he's trying to make it a race. Whilst I'm not 100% agreeing with the methods, the idea is correct.

Now, as for social media vs TV ratings...

Ecclestone's strategy for broadcast rights was simply a stroke of genius, and elevated the sport in ways few people ever will. It should also be noted that he invited all teams to take a percentage in broadcast rights but most turned him down.

That single minded TV focus has worked for decades. Unfortunately for Bernie, that model is losing relevance. Anyone looking to attract attention from the public needs to have a social network presence. Without engaging viewers using a 'second screen' (i.e. web surfing whilst watching TV), he's going to lose viewers.

What needs to happen is someone like Sky Sports in the U.K has to spend the money to show the rest of the world how to interact with a live event on social media. If they can develop an effective model for viewing the race whilst engaging people on their website (or via app), they can hopefully convince Bernie to get with the times.

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/02/2014 at 22:07

it is done. welcome!

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Simplify, then add beer
07/02/2014 at 22:11

I'm not saying that it doesn't need changes, but bogus changes for the sake of let's create artificial drama suck.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Tim (Fractal Footwork)
07/02/2014 at 22:12

Cool, Thanks!

Gimmi-Sagan-Om-Draken > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/02/2014 at 23:39

Kinja'd!!!

macanamera > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/03/2014 at 08:23

Well, you don't know that he's not coo coo for Cocoa Puffs. It could be his favorite cereal.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > macanamera
07/03/2014 at 08:24

Not enough fiber in those.

Joe_Limon > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/03/2014 at 08:29

Take my opinion with a heavy grain of salt since I detest watching any form of televised sport but... I would gladly switch spots with him. Look at him, he pretty much owns the top tier of racing in the world, has mad sex scandals, and has more money/power then I have ever dreamed of having. For that reason I give him mad props, if only for his cumulative success to date.

Jack E > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/03/2014 at 08:36

As much as I love F1, its perfect.

JJ1985 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/03/2014 at 10:00

With the exception of the two Mercedes being in the front for most races, the actual racing this year has been pretty good I think.

The only thing I miss is the sound. I know some people think that may be stupid, but the sound of a F1 V10 is what made me fall in love with the sport. The first race I went to was the GP at Indy in 2001. When we got there the Friday practice had already started and you could hear the V10's running from at least a mile away. I was instantly awe struck and hooked on the sport.

The switch to V8's was a noticeable difference, but still loud enough. I am scared that this years US GP will be a let down for me because of the lack of that awe from the sound.

Mazarin > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
07/03/2014 at 17:15

Bernie is to F1 like Bill Wirtz was to hockey - a dinosaur fixed in his old ways, and only the cold embrace of death will get it out of his iron grip.